Adoption Awareness Month: Call #1
On Nov. 2nd, as my personal campaign to be part of National Adoption Awareness Month, this is the first of several calls I will host all month in November. On this call: Jeanette Yoffe, Brian Stanton and Trish Lay. Each of these professionals has been adopted, all three were in foster care prior to placement and they have lessons to teach about healing from the impact of their adoption! Listen now and please, leave your comment below.
Learn more about Found: A Memoir
Jennifer,
Thank you for organizing this! I took 5 pages of notes! Some things that I found really insightful are:
#1 the focus on how to heal (it’s frustrating how many people focus on “the story” rather than dealing with the emotions and healing)
Overcoming fear: the power of finding our voice, and learning to trust it and honor it.
That we are never over this trauma, but we can do amazing things with what happened to us.
**Bring Action to healing process on a daily basis
Stop rejecting myself, adopt myself, stop self-abandoning
I am allowed to make mistakes, it does not make ME a mistake.
Stanton saying that we keep coming back to feeling guilt over this situation, that it is somehow our fault (I thought I was the only one!)
Going inside, touching that essence
Let external be external
Our fear is that we fear to trust
So many treasures! I get discouraged, bc I feel I chisel away at this monster for a while, think “okay, now…I’m ready to live my life.” then Bahm! some trigger goes off, and I see the monster looming (I call her Medusa) in my face as large as ever. It helps to know that we all will have this always, we’ve just got to learn how to “self-heal” as someone said.
Thank YOU!
Pam Lehman
Atlanta, GA
It was very helpful. I was weary when I dialed in but the moment it began I was riveted. Lots of bare truths, or truths bared….or beared! So glad I was there. I did not know how much I needed to just listen.
(as Jeanette said, “what we can’t share we can’t bear”)
Dear Jennifer,
Because of the time difference; me being in Kuwait and you in the US I am missing the actual call and but not the wonderful educating emails that follow. I will listen to the one I missed yesterday and look forward to receiving more.
My question – I believe will fall under the transracial adoption category, only because of the way my kids look, I mean their facial features; otherwise they were found in Kuwait and I have adopted them from the orphanage in Kuwait. Yes they will notice that they look different.
I was lucky that they were both found at a mosque, which I hope means they were loved cared for and their parents wished them well (cultural differences) and I say that because others would be found in a garbage bin, under cars, or in parking lots.
What worries me most is:
1. we do not have any information about their birth parents or anything to share as they grow.
2. most of the kids like mine come from either rape or wedlock, and both are taboos and bad news.
3. face features – looks are more oriental which means either parent was a laborer or a house maid – again bad news
How do you tell your kids all this upsetting info?
Now, my kids already know they are adopted, we talk about adoption and birth parents, and since they are still young (aged 6 and 3) they do not have too many deep questions, I am preparing myself for their teenage years.
appreciating your help and look forward to receiving an answer.
Zeina B S Ben Essa
RESPONSE TO ZEINA
Jeanette:
1) I would recommend to her to purchase the grief comfee dolls, here is the link:
http://www.griefwatch.com/children-teen-grief/comfee-doll.html
What is wonderful is it can be warmed up and the child can hold it, to project their thoughts/feelings/wishes onto the doll. This is a very important tool for kids, to externalize their pain in a channeled way.
RESPONSE: Brian
2) How wonderful that this woman has the best interests in mind for her children. A couple things come to mind:
1) They have no info, but perhaps the mother can bring her kids to the mosque. At the very least, her kids can get in touch with that part of their history. Right now, it’s the only “womb” they have. And you never know, maybe they’ll run into a person there who remembers them, or they can ask questions about children who were dropped off at the mosque at such and such a year.
2) No matter how dark the truth is, the kids must know the truth. Believe me, they will find out sometime in their life anyway. In order to build an authentic self, we must begin with truth. I came from rape. I am not the rape, and I am not the shame. I am a lotus flower blooming from the muddy swamp. I’m very grateful that my birth mother had the courage to let me know the truth right away. It has helped to root me in the ground. Tough to know the truth, but the truth has made me more whole. Obviously, society deems this as a taboo (here in the US as well), so it can be up to the kids whether they want society to know. No matter what the kids do need to know.
3) Same thing as number 2. Truth is the best. If oriental looks denote laborer or house maid, the children will definitely figure that out as they grow older. Better to know the truth from the beginning. Acknowledge the differences and celebrate the differences. Remember that the “differences” are the “cool” things that we do get from our birth parents. Sometimes it’s the only thing we have from our birth parents.
This is obviously not easy. I think the mother can mourn with her children if they don’t like what they hear. She can (and will) feel the pain with them. Allow them to be sad or angry about it. “I’m angry about it too. I wish it were different too. But I’m so happy that I get to be your mother now; that I get to take care of you. I’ll do the best I can to help you with anything you need.” No reason to sugar coat the truth. The truth just is. It’s not bad nor good. It just is. It’s all in the dealing with the truth. The mother will play a big role in assisting the child with this. The mother is already taking the right steps by involving herself in support groups.
RESPONSE: Trish
I know Jeannette and Brian can offer great input toward this question. The advise I can lend is to be careful as perceiving the circumstances as “bad things.” This can bring a certain stigma to the kids situation and the vibe of energy you are bring into the family. Everyone has a story – find a way honor theirs. As this was the discussion in the Adopt Salon group last night – embrace all the differences instead of pointing them out. Yes, they may look different – and how great is that – honor it. Keep in mind, adoptees want to be validated and heard. Keep your dialog open and make sure any fear, you as a parent is feeling – is dealt with too. You are a family unit and everyone can grow and learn together to make that family unit stronger.
Change the way you see things – and the things you see will change.
My 6 years old daughter has written an adoption story, it’s a take off from her own story, I was sooooo proud of her and would love to share it with everyone here. It’s on a PDF file, as I want to publish it because we do not have Arabic adoption stories, I also translated it into English , I did a word by word translation and got her approval on it
I want to share it with you because I am sure you will see, feel and know things more than I would…
Thank you and best regards,
I really ndeeed to find this info, thank God!